Authentic But Not Seamless

In 2018, with the help of wonderful friends, family members and colleagues, I organized a 2 day medical conference. Our hope was to address the suffering of physicians who due to the many changes in the healthcare system, are often unable to provide the quality of care that they feel patients deserve.  Physician suicides had escalated to more than one physician per day in the U.S., and many of us in healthcare felt that it was imperative to actively respond.

Developing this initiative was a full time job with a steep learning curve. As an introvert by nature, I found myself far from my comfort zone. Yet, at the same time, I was inspired by the opportunity for creativity and the possibility of bringing people together to explore ways to address this public health crisis.

On the morning of the first day, I arrived at the conference center at 6am with boxes in hand.  As I looked around the room, an overwhelming feeling of fear arose:

What was I thinking?  

Why did I think that organizing and facilitating a medical conference

to address a major public health crisis was a good idea? 

For 3-4 minutes, anxiety washed over me, imploring me to focus on all of the ways that this could go very wrong. I sat down near a window as the sun started to rise.  I took a few breaths to quiet my body, hoping that my meditation practice would enable me to find my ground and expand my perspective.

I looked around at the beautiful conference room, appreciating the funky blue sofas with colorful pillows, dramatic artsy structures and bright sun streaming in through the abundant windows.  The aroma from the organic coffee and the freshly cut flowers was nourishing.

Grace, an ambitious and talented pre-med student was scurrying around the room, setting up tables and anticipating our needs.  Joe, a gifted flutist was arranging his beautiful wooden Native American flutes so he could share his music with us during the conference. 

After driving all night from Montana to support me, my two sons were nursing large cups of strong coffee and grateful for comfortable couches at a professional conference.  My daughter and husband who had survived two years of evening discussions about the details involved in organizing a 2 day medical conference, woke up extra early to bring me food and encourage me to eat.

Painfully aware of my increased heart rate and rapid breathing, I thought about the advice my youngest son Nick had offered to me a few days earlier. Moose (that is my nickname and another story!), just remember:

It is more important to be authentic than seamless.

Before I could give my feelings more consideration, attendees starting filing in - friends and colleagues who had worked with me to identify ways to create an experience that would facilitate connection and productive collaboration, peers who had changed their schedules and awakened early to provide support for me, their colleagues and this initiative. 

I felt comfort in the recognition that I was not doing this alone - but more importantly, I remembered why we had organized this event. We believed that if only one doc felt heard and understood, more connected to his or her community, more hopeful or inspired, our vision was realized.

The days were definitely not seamless:

On the first day, a beautiful sunny day with out a cloud in the sky, while I was in the middle of my presentation, an entire city block (including our conference center) lost power.   It took me a few moments to absorb what had happened and realize that our finely tuned schedule had just evaporated.

But the memory of that moment that stays with me was captured in a picture taken by my oldest son Angelo.  My husband, daughter and son Nick, who know that I get nervous when presenting in front of large groups, were sitting on a couch nearby. When the lights went out and the screen went blank, their mouths dropped open and eyes widened as they looked on with disbelief.  I still laugh when I see this photo.

My fear and doubt did not simply disappear that day, but upon reflection, I have come to believe that rather than trying to suppress or eliminate uncomfortable emotions, it is valuable cultivate my capacity to accept and explore these feelings. Doing so provides me with the opportunity to learn more about myself and choose my responses with enhanced awareness and compassion for myself and others. When I lean into the discomfort, I find it easier to show up unedited, and hopefully, make it easier for others to do the same.

Authentic but not seamless

These words carried me through the conference and convinced me that when I align with a commitment to stay fully present, prioritize relationships and embrace the unexpected with curiosity and kindness, details and expectations loosen their hold on me and I can more easily embrace and appreciate the experience.